First Impressions & Self Consciousness

Happy Sunday, also known as day before my birthday, day!

Sometimes, I break out in a small case of hives just by walking down a crowded hallway at school. (I’m getting a lot better with this, as you eventually realize that nobody gives a flying flip about you in a university hallway, but still.)
Other times, say if I were in a group of people who know each other but don’t know me, I keep my speaking and joking to a minimum and end up giving a worse first impression than I could.
Ah, the frustration.
If you too suffer from a mild (or not so mild) case of social anxiety, then keep reading, and let’s freak out together. Well, virtually.

A lot of the time I get called intimidating (which is extremely weird and slightly offensive) and this confuses me, a lot. How could my quiet demeanor and almost always absent-minded looking face ever be considered intimidating?
I’m intimidated (even though I don’t like to admit it) by those extremely confident, in your face types. People who do and say whatever they want and manage to look cool doing it? Yeah I’m gonna take a step back from those people- some space to you know, admire, envy… take notes… But I guess different people have different views of what intimidating is.
I think people see my non-bubbly exterior as closed-offish or uninterested, even though that is really not the intent. Most of the time at least.
This is especially a problem when it comes to mingling and making friends in extremely social situations; 9 times out of 10 I’m going to be in a group at the side of a party talking to one or two people- the tenth time I’m at home. And when I’m with one or two people, even if I don’t know them, and even if they already know each other, I’m absolutely fine. It’s like a different person takes over- a confident and even outgoing one. EVEN IF I THINK THEY’RE EXTREMELY HOT.

I think it’s a control thing. Control gives confidence, and so I think when it’s a smaller number of people I feel more in control, and hence more confident… I’m pretty sure this is the case because I have no problem speaking to and in larger groups when, let’s say, I’m the head of a club or discussion, and I have some sort of blatant control. But put me in a more vulnerable setting and it shows.

Since I’ve just convinced myself that it’s a control thing, here’s how I’m gonna work on it. I’ll flip it around. I’ll try to keep in mind the person who I want to be, and focus on being that person, and being in control of who I am. That either sounds extremely dramatic or makes absolutely no sense. Oh well.

Time to take over the world!


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